At Table Rock in Maine, April 2005
No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.
~George Bernard Shaw
What I've Learned: Seek & Ye Shall Find.
For years, Reader, I have searched for a love to fill me up. In retrospect, much of that need for love and acceptance stemmed from early childhood where I never lived up to my father's expectations. That sense of being unloveable was compounded by a deep sense of loneliness and abandonment when my parents divorced. I was seven years-old. Years later, I assumed the bottomless craving in the middle of my being was for romantic love. So, all through my teen years, my 20's and into my 30's, I chased relationships. I squeezed myself into every romantic entanglement that looked even remotely viable (and a few that were obviously wrong from the start), all in the name of finding the perfect man to fulfill my every need, desire and fantasy of being loved.
Sure, it sounds silly now. But that's exactly what I was doing. I was sure that once I had real, romantic love, things would change. All the ugly parts of my life and character would suddenly begin to turn around. Being in love would somehow work the changes in me that I couldn't seem to bring about myself.
Thou art weighed in the balances, and art found wanting. ~Daniel 5:27
Of course, it never worked. Even when I finally found a man who loved me, his flaws coupled with my own were enough to topple the relationship and leave me vaguely sure that finding a significant other still wouldn't solve the problem. It took many years to realize that no mortal man is capable of the kind of love I craved. (And it was down-right unfair to lay that impossibly heavy burden on someone else.)
But my need to be loved remained. It was there all through college as I sought to be a writer. It was there in every job I landed, driving me to find something--anything--to feel significant, respected. That need was the catalyst for turning a surly, tongue-tied kid into a boisterous, adventure-seeking extrovert who makes friends easily. Looking back, I'd been searching for anything to fill that emptiness my entire life.
So, what exactly did I need? Why wasn't the love of my wonderful mom and extended family enough to fill the void in my heart? Why was it still there, even when I acknowledged my flaws and shortcomings? What could possibly fill it? Even if a person could live with this giant hole inside, I knew I didn't want to.
People see God every day, they just don't recognize Him. ~Pearl Bailey
Turns out, God had been nudging me into the path of His love for years. I met countless wonderful people who were living by Jesus' example and gently guiding me in the right direction. My dearest friend, Brown, was the first person to take me to a church where I found solace (a revelation for a confirmed atheist). My paternal grandfather lived out his faith every day of his life--though I wouldn't see the significance until after his death. While I lived in Texas for a year, a fabulous, high-heeled coworker-turned-confidant showed me each day how a love of the Lord had worked miracles in her life. Another friend came and demonstrated the unconditional love of Christ by helping me paint a room and move twice--all in one week.
And there were many more: people I came to admire and respect who had a steady, unwavering assuredness about where they were going and the peace of knowing whatever happened next, they were LOVED. In fact, they were so LOVED, that they were able to freely give that same LOVE to others. This was the kind of LOVE I had been looking for.
There is a God-shaped vacuum in every heart. ~Blaise Pascal
But there were a few obstacles. I didn't believe in God. I didn't know anything about faith. I'd heard of Jesus but was really skeptical and afraid that giving my life over to Him would mean succumbing to some sort of religious brainwashing where common sense and intellectual thought went right out the window. I was scared to consider believing in something I couldn't see or touch (Santa and the Easter Bunny had me a little gun-shy). What if it wasn't true? What if I were deluding myself?
Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.
~Martin Luther King Jr.
These questions scared me. But, I found myself continually drawn back to God and the deep peace His church offered. My need for LOVE was met when I went to worship. When I took the time to really, truly pray, I felt a deep sense of belonging--now I'd call it being a child of God. Sure, I left each service with more and more questions and some anxiety about where this spiritual seeking would take me, but I couldn't ignore the sense of peace--of rightness--I found in listening to God's Word spoken by God's people. As my desire to learn more and read the Bible grew, more spiritual advisers appeared with even more books and resources to help me make sense of what I was hearing.
I was told repeatedly that if I just kept seeking, I would begin to understand and God would find a way to bridge the chasm of my sins and all the ugliness that made me feel unworthy. Still, it surprised me when, on Saturday, Feb. 26th, 2011, as I was listening to former Buffalo Bills Quarterback, Jim Kelly and his wife, Jill, speak at my church that the last of the pieces suddenly dropped into place and I understood. I don't have all the answers in this life and I won't. But God does. W hen I put my faith in Him and trust that He will see me through whatever life has in store, remarkable things happen. My life changes. The lives around me change. Each time I have honestly put my faith in God to find a solution, He has done amazing things and granted more than I ever hoped for.
Hunting God is a great adventure. ~Marie DeFloris
So I prayed sincerely (not half-heartedly as I had a couple of times before) for Jesus to come into my heart and life and change me. I asked Him to forgive me and take this life, make it into whatever He wants it to be. I had never been more serious or exhilarated. I felt thrilled and also a little dumb-founded. Here I was, a former atheist, a person who used to think people of faith were weak and deluded but now I was purposefully--gladly--handing over the direction of my life to something so much greater than myself. How's that for a surprise ending?
Of course, it isn't the end. It's just the beginning of a new life, a whole new way of being. For the first time in my life, watching the sun go down doesn't make me sad, thinking about another day being gone and wondering how many more I have left. I don't fear loneliness or worry about how I will handle the next tragedy when it arises. I don't wonder anymore if my existence is meaningless or purposeless. I no longer despair, trying to beat back the choking fear that this life is all there is. But more than that, I know I am LOVED. Precious & treasured.
And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free. ~John 8:32
For me it was true, dear Reader. At some point if you seek, you will find. God Bless and Keep You.
Faith is reason grown courageous. ~Sherwood Eddy
Thy word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path. ~Psalms 119:105
The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death. ~I Corinthians 15:26
Quotes courtesy of The Quote Garden.
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