Bubba, My 1999 Dodge Ram 1500
What I'm Learning: I Need to Rethink My Auto-dentity.
Crashing my beloved truck into a telephone pole has brought some surprising revelations, Reader. When the insurance adjustor called to say it was a total loss and the damage was too expensive to fix, I immediately felt despair. I also felt profoundly naked. Oh, I had clothes on. But I suddenly felt like a big part of my outward identity was gone.
Owning a big truck had somehow become an integral part of how I defined myself--the freedom of mobility, driving something big and useful (and, frankly, cool) had inspired a certain bravado & pride. I let driving a truck go to my head. I was up higher, had a bigger engine and could intimidate any silly little Toyota or Nissan in my path (my apologies, Toyota & Nissan owners). I felt safe & invincible. Not surprisingly, my driving became more aggressive. Then, in an instant on a slippery road, the truck that always kept me safe was gone. And there I was, alone and not feeling safe at all. An uncomfortable realization.
What would I drive now? The Kelley Blue Book value was not promising and I'd only just finished paying off the truck in October. Instead of thanking God for keeping me safe, I felt helpless and afraid. Add to that, the pain & increased nervousness caused by another accident shortly thereafter and I've been feeling pretty low about my transportation prospects.
Which got me thinking about my Auto-dentity. Why did owning a truck significantly change the way I saw myself? What difference did it really make (other than adding a good-sized car payment to my budget)? I was the same person--same flaws, same weight, same life. So, what was different from driving the 20 year-old Impala I had before? And why did that sense of confidence seem to evaporate when the truck was gone?
Maybe this seems too personal a topic to discuss in my lovely little blog. But I know a lot of people whose identities are tied up in or shaped by the vehicle they drive. So, this feels relevant. Why is it that we (for the most part) accept as unconditional, this idea that we're defined by the style, color, make, model and year of our cars? Why do we buy into the idea that our status--how important we are--is defined by what we drive? True, a vehicle is one of the largest and most expensive purchases many of us will ever make. It's also true that we want to get the best value for our money.
But a car, like money, is a man-made thing. A piece of stuff. I can't consume either one. Neither is crucial to nourishing my body or spirit. Neither can create life or heal the sick. Whatever power they represent we have assigned them.
Funny, everything I have: body, mind, soul and spirit were given to me by God. I never needed a big truck to change the way I see myself. I didn't need a vehicle or a chunky car payment to raise my 'status'. The only person in who's eyes I appeared less, were evidently my own.
Big stuff. Anyway, now I'm kinda hoping to buy a hoopdie, a jaloppy, a clunker--well, anything that has low mileage, gets good mileage and has enough room for all my photo & show gear. If it has nice lines, that's cool too. But however that vehicle-to-be depreciates (and you know it will!), it won't change the value I have in Christ.
Just something to think about, Reader, when the next Lexus commercial comes on.
It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not. ~Author Unknown
Quote Courtesy of The Quote Garden.
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